Lately, I’ve been mentally just non-existent. I’ve been having severe feelings or rather the lack thereof. My life has been a void when I’m not at work. At work, I have somewhat of a purpose. At home, I feel like an empty shell with no direction.
Part of me wants a clean slate. The new job has been great. It’s what I definitely needed as part of my life. Outside of work though, I need something new. Ever since I found out that Reina Miyauchi got hitched, Norika Fujiwara got a new boyfriend and various other people had their own love interest, I felt as though huge segments of my life just vanished.
In some cases, it was good. For instance, I ditched Crazy. I think I hurt myself really badly by letting myself get manipulated by her and retain any semblance of hope being tied to dating her. I missed numerous opportunities and threw some down the drain. But a few weeks ago she tried bugging me and I finally told her what she needed to hear and what I needed to say.
Part of me feels as though I need to do more of this. Some friends probably think I’m avoiding them on purpose. I have to admit, it’s probably true. My reasoning is that I just need to start from scratch at times and create an entirely new environment.
I kinda wonder at times, if I should just completely forget Japan altogether. It had become such a consuming point of my existence that it might’ve hurt me. Just move on and create a new dream that doesn’t include Japan. I like Japan still, but at times I feel as though it neglects me in an either abstract or spiritual sense. If I continue to harbor my emotional ties to it, I might just continue damaging my life.
Unfortunately, if I reboot myself this time, I’ll have absolutely no direction. Most likely I would just do things like terminate Facebook or start a blank account that no one can find. But I want to do something even more drastic. I need to in order for me to gain full expression.
Another part of me is thinking of just saving up a ton of money so that in a few years, I can move to a desolated mountain. Essentially, I would make an attempt to cut myself from most of the world. My existence would appear forlorn and lonely, but the only person that could remind me of that is myself. I think I would just want my connection to Amazon, internet access, ebay, food and some postal service. That would be enough.