Only in retrospect can we clearly see. And at this point, I finally see the whole picture. My whole picture. What I should have done in the first place. And that thing is not leaving the first time.
Back when my dad had his stroke, I panicked. I feared for him. But honestly, the damage was already done. In fact, I sometimes wonder if I made things worse by coming back and taking him to a (poor) doctor.
At that point in my life, things started to look better just before I had called. I had a girlfriend (some problems), a decent job, friends and a place I liked living at. My life started to feel not so chaotic.
Stress from the job and my dad’s situation hindered my ability to rationalize properly. I thought I could save my dad at that time. I thought that it was my duty to go back to America and help him.
Someone at work did say that I had my own life to live. I thought it was really selfish of her to state something so boldly. But was she necessarily wrong?
Of course, everything in this world boils down to perspective. There isn’t a right nor wrong answer. It’s what you choose to accept. At the end of the day, you can only be responsible for yourself. Not the actions of others no matter how twisted they want to skew your situation. That’s the real truth.
The thing is that after all these years I realize that I’m more miserable in my life than ever. The problems never end and there isn’t a day where I’m not stressed out. I don’t know how much more I can take. I feel ulcers in my stomach and I know my blood pressure is really high. I don’t eat well and just gave up more or less and live day-by-day.
I think if I just ignored everything in America and stayed in Japan, my conscious wouldn’t have been great but I think psychologically I would’ve done better. I had a better support system out there and more confidence in myself overall. Sure, I would’ve missed out on some great work opportunities in America but I think my life would have been better.
I let too many things go by returning to America. At this point in my life, I don’t think it was worth it. All my personal ambitions now make me realize that I had these silly dreams that probably weren’t meant to be. Either that or I simply blew my chances by going back and forth and not really committing to something.
No doubt part of us just wants to be able to go back to the way things were. In the case of my family, I always had that vision of my parents being around and me being able to take them to a nice Vegas trip where I could buy them the best food and give them back everything that they had given to me. Or maybe it’s just this illusion in my head and that my efforts would never have been appreciated no matter what.
Maybe part of the problem is that I try to push these visions of what I think reality ought to be onto other people. But in truth like my mom and dad, they already had chosen their destiny. There wasn’t anything that I could do to alter it. Not some silly Mark Zuckerberg wannabe American Dream thing that comes out of nowhere.
Still I miss so much out there. The food, the people, the sights, the sounds, my old apartment in Uchida, the little convenient store across the street, Kitasenju and the gym I’d go to every night when I could. There was so much richness in that life. I felt alive at that point and my situation was, indeed, special. Unfortunately, I never really appreciated it and looking back is all I can do now.
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