Getting Older

So here passes yet another uneventful birthday. Perhaps, I could describe it as one of the worst birthdays in memory. That’s because most birthdays for me are as memorable as the plots and characters from the vast majority of stale Hollywood movies. I never really celebrate that often and don’t make a big deal of it neither. However, it’s a day I hate because everyone these days helps remind you that you’re simply getting one day closer to death.

I think I stopped celebrating my birthday around the age of 8 or so. It was the last time I even bothered possibly allowing anyone to remember that I was born. My parents knew and they’d give me the usual shitty gifts or dinner. Maybe back then it kinda meant something as it always seemed to be a competition to be older than your classmates.

These days, all you really want to do is put a massive stop on the clock since your body no longer wants to collaborate with your mind. Every year and even every day, it seems to get harder to do things. Your mind operates still at a reasonable level but your body is what really starts to go quickly. The aches build up especially if you’ve done a poor job taking care of it.

What’s worse is that everyone wants you to have a good time or do something meaningful. No one seems to appreciate a day of quiet where you just sit on your couch, resting, relaxing and zoning out of this stupid, crazy world. If you do that or something normal, I don’t know like say chores or critical obligations like a smog check, then your weekend sucks especially for your birthday because we’ve been trained by the capitalists and Hollywood that you have to do something spectacular no matter what since it’s your birthday.

I’ll admit that I did end up treating myself. Most of that was from being utterly cheap these past few months prior to getting a new job. I probably even overspent to some degree but hey, I am working again at a far more stable place (at least it seems) so I figured that I could at least get myself something for the week. It’s pretty much a backlog of stuff that I missed out on as well as some necessary things like new shoes (hey, I didn’t replace my shoes for almost 5-6 years and my feet were getting nasty with athletes foot).

Despite all that I suppose it’s all really gratuitous in the end. All I really wanted more than anything was to have companionship of some kind. I didn’t really need a special dinner, cake and all that bullshit. I just wanted to be around people. Instead, I received the useless notifications from FB from people that really don’t communicate with me that often. Some people maybe perhaps but on average, I’m ignored. And that’s fine. I really don’t care. Honestly, I’d prefer if no one would remember because it just makes me feel worse.

I think for my birthday, the things I really want I cannot get. But it shows the reality of how people are. Or perhaps the reality of whom I am. I’m really no one that matters outside of an inconvenient reminder on the occasion that someone happens to glimpse at FB at the right moment. Like I said, it’s just better if people forget altogether because then you can enjoy a peaceful existence without this unconscious pressure of being reminded that life is uncontrollable.

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